I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
