I am in a vortex of obligation.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
