i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
