just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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