On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
