I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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