i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
