Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
did i just pee glitter
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
