im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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