Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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