A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
