do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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