Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
