You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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