Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
