He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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