I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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