it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
