I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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