8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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