woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
