Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
