She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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