its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The air was thick with penises
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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