when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
