I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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