I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
