So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
