Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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