Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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