so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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