I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
