Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
