Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
