Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
