I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
