there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
