i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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