i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
