her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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