Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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