textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
