if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just pynch a tree in the face
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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