He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
