I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
