I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
