I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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