why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
