I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
