You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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