i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
